Tag Archive | Grieving

Feel Your Emotions

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November, over year ago, I first experienced Fibromyalgia. I had a confrontation with someone at Bible Study and I didn’t feel like I had a voice in the situation. I was angry and became depressed. Within the week, I had insomnia and pain up my spine and over my shoulders so bad that no one could touch me. It was not only hard to experience those physical pains, but one of my main Love Languages is touch which left me feeling lonely.

 

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I worked with a friend of mine to find the best essential oils for me to help heal the inflammation. Within a month, I was able to get the pain gone.

 

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Doing the Dressing Your Truth program began to teach me that I am lovable and created beautiful in my own type. I began to be excited to be me and tell others what I had learned.

 

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In the process, I had friends that were angry with me for doing so. I began to notice a pattern in these confrontations and I would feel the pain severely again. Some of it was that I would turn to my sugar addiction and my body is already out of balance with bad bacteria causing Leaky Gut. Part of it is that I would revert right back to “Somebody doesn’t like me, I’m not good enough” thinking. I realized after the last time, that I’d had enough of taking my anger out on me.

 

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I began to go to counseling to learn to deal with my anger in a healthy way. And here I’ve been learning to set boundaries in my relationships, to be more patient with myself, and to use my voice.

 

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One of the things that my counselor has been reiterating is that emotions don’t last very long. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, it turns into suffering.

 

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I used to stop myself from crying because it wasn’t a “positive” emotion. I felt that it was incorrect to be angry or to cry. I would still be angry, I just wouldn’t express it. Pretending that the feeling wasn’t there didn’t make it go away. My anger would then last for a few days, then I would get depressed for a few days thinking that it was my fault that I was feeling angry and it was wrong. Then would find a way to move on.

 

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But this weekend, my husband and I went out to eat at a buffet. Going out to eat is hard for me because so many things can knock me back down again. I got a lot of meat and found a few veggies that were not covered in sauces. My husband sits down with carbs. I looked at his plate and said, “I miss that.” He said that a little bit would probably not hurt me, but in this healing stage, I need to stay away from it. I also know that I wouldn’t stop with a little bit because I fear I may never have it again and go overboard.

 

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And I began to cry. This time, I didn’t stop it. I cried because of grief over the loss of my favorite foods. I cried because it wasn’t fair. I cried because I caused this damage to my body. I cried because I don’t know how long it will take to heal.

 

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And after a couple minutes of crying over my food, it was over. I took a deep breath and felt great! I didn’t not mourn for the rest of the day. I did not mope about it for the next week. I wasn’t angry with myself, depressed about it, nor did I feel the Fibromyalgia pain. I’m so excited that I’m learning!!! I’m getting it!!! It’s one thing to know what is wrong with you, or have the answer of how to get better, but accomplishing that task is so rewarding!!

 

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I know that without my vitamins and supplements right now, I would still and have crashed. I know that diet changes and exercise are crucial and I don’t have it down, yet! I know that I need to be especially careful around hormone changes. I know that what works for me, may not work for everyone, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t answers for you. I know that addressing whatever caused the problem may not be the only way to heal. Because all parts of the body work together, one thing can affect all the other. By praying, hoping, being willing to seek and find answers, and paying attention to my body, I was able to see the connection for me. I am excited that I am practicing feeling my emotions, learning how to voice them, that it is okay to do so, and that I’m getting this part!!! I am healing!

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I Don’t Need Your Approval

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It wasn’t but a year ago that I began this blog. It came out of my desire to remember what I was learning about how to heal from the symptoms of EDS, the desire to pass on information to my kids, and hopefully help others along the way.

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Earlier in the summer, I had attended my first EDS support group and learned many things. I had pain in my hands and  other joints which they affirmed was Chronic Pain.

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And then… something happened at a place where I felt safe… a church meeting. I was told to sit in the back so I could be easily gotten in case of emergency for my Mast Cell son. There was no discussion. I felt singled out. We had already come up with an emergency plan and this wasn’t it. I was so angry, shocked, and humiliated. I balled in the bathroom and was sought out by the person in charge. She didn’t seem to want to listen, but to inform me that her plan was best. At that moment, I could have walked out and never come back. I was ready to.

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A leader there convinced me to wait it out. She prayed with me and listened to me complain. She agreed that it was not the best way to handle things. Another friend did the same thing. My husband wanted to defend me. He made me laugh by saying that they should be rolling out the red carpet for me and having me sit in the front row instead of the back because of how amazing I was.

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I personally experienced stages of grief. And the nerve pain began. Tingling pain from the bottom of my spine all the way up and over my shoulders. Nobody could touch me. My mind became as if in a fog. I was extremely tired, but I couldn’t sleep.

I watched videos on Chronic Pain trying to figure out what to do. I contacted my friend who’d taught me about essential oils and she gave me different samples and suggested Fibromyalgia. I went to my doctor and he made an appointment with several specialists and tests. The tests came back negative. (which I was used to all my life.) One specialist suggested pain reliever or birth control. One was an occupational therapist for the pain in my hands. The other I needed to wait for. So, I set up a blog. And while waiting, I prayed, researched, tested, and when completely confident, posted.

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I had talked to the person in charge at church, told them a little of what was going on in my life, and how hard it was for me to take what had happened. She apologized and has become my biggest advocate there. I had gotten the Fibro pain down within one month with essential oils. I researched diet changes to prevent further problems. When I had finally gotten in to see Dr. Collins, she backed up the information I had gained and added supplements. I had continued therapy exercises to strengthen my hands, as well as, core body strength. I had begun the Dressing Your Truth program and not only felt better in the right texture of clothing and more confident, but I began to understand myself emotionally. My first specialist was ecstatic. I was so excited to share what was working for me with others.

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Since then, over the last year, I have had people who I thought were close friends and family write angry letters and completely turn their backs on me and my family. Each time, I went through a grieving type process. Each time, I have gotten better at handling it, however, I feel the fibro pain begin at the top of my spine threatening to flare up and I know I’m not there,yet.

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But when praying about it this last time, it hit me. I have an Approval Addiction. This need for approval has caused me to become a victim in each circumstance. And when I was rejected, I would turn to another addiction: sugar cravings, facebook, spending addiction, or in the past, anorexia. I was doing this all subconsciously, but I have been doing it for most of my life.

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So, I’m ready to heal another part of my life. I’m ready to take care of myself. I have felt God’s amazing love for me, but it’s okay to love myself AND to not be loved by everyone.

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I don’t need your approval to be the beautiful person that God created me to be. I don’t need you to love me to take care of myself. I don’t need to fall prey to your manipulation and I don’t need to victimize myself. I can call it what it is, stand on my own two feet, and know that I am loved whether you love me or not.



Other Related Articles:

Climbing out of the Canyon

I Deserve to be Loved

Metamorphosis

This Amazing Journey