It wasn’t but a year ago that I began this blog. It came out of my desire to remember what I was learning about how to heal from the symptoms of EDS, the desire to pass on information to my kids, and hopefully help others along the way.
Earlier in the summer, I had attended my first EDS support group and learned many things. I had pain in my hands and other joints which they affirmed was Chronic Pain.
And then… something happened at a place where I felt safe… a church meeting. I was told to sit in the back so I could be easily gotten in case of emergency for my Mast Cell son. There was no discussion. I felt singled out. We had already come up with an emergency plan and this wasn’t it. I was so angry, shocked, and humiliated. I balled in the bathroom and was sought out by the person in charge. She didn’t seem to want to listen, but to inform me that her plan was best. At that moment, I could have walked out and never come back. I was ready to.
A leader there convinced me to wait it out. She prayed with me and listened to me complain. She agreed that it was not the best way to handle things. Another friend did the same thing. My husband wanted to defend me. He made me laugh by saying that they should be rolling out the red carpet for me and having me sit in the front row instead of the back because of how amazing I was.
I personally experienced stages of grief. And the nerve pain began. Tingling pain from the bottom of my spine all the way up and over my shoulders. Nobody could touch me. My mind became as if in a fog. I was extremely tired, but I couldn’t sleep.
I watched videos on Chronic Pain trying to figure out what to do. I contacted my friend who’d taught me about essential oils and she gave me different samples and suggested Fibromyalgia. I went to my doctor and he made an appointment with several specialists and tests. The tests came back negative. (which I was used to all my life.) One specialist suggested pain reliever or birth control. One was an occupational therapist for the pain in my hands. The other I needed to wait for. So, I set up a blog. And while waiting, I prayed, researched, tested, and when completely confident, posted.
I had talked to the person in charge at church, told them a little of what was going on in my life, and how hard it was for me to take what had happened. She apologized and has become my biggest advocate there. I had gotten the Fibro pain down within one month with essential oils. I researched diet changes to prevent further problems. When I had finally gotten in to see Dr. Collins, she backed up the information I had gained and added supplements. I had continued therapy exercises to strengthen my hands, as well as, core body strength. I had begun the Dressing Your Truth program and not only felt better in the right texture of clothing and more confident, but I began to understand myself emotionally. My first specialist was ecstatic. I was so excited to share what was working for me with others.
Since then, over the last year, I have had people who I thought were close friends and family write angry letters and completely turn their backs on me and my family. Each time, I went through a grieving type process. Each time, I have gotten better at handling it, however, I feel the fibro pain begin at the top of my spine threatening to flare up and I know I’m not there,yet.
But when praying about it this last time, it hit me. I have an Approval Addiction. This need for approval has caused me to become a victim in each circumstance. And when I was rejected, I would turn to another addiction: sugar cravings, facebook, spending addiction, or in the past, anorexia. I was doing this all subconsciously, but I have been doing it for most of my life.
So, I’m ready to heal another part of my life. I’m ready to take care of myself. I have felt God’s amazing love for me, but it’s okay to love myself AND to not be loved by everyone.
I don’t need your approval to be the beautiful person that God created me to be. I don’t need you to love me to take care of myself. I don’t need to fall prey to your manipulation and I don’t need to victimize myself. I can call it what it is, stand on my own two feet, and know that I am loved whether you love me or not.
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