Tag Archive | anger

Feel Your Emotions

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November, over year ago, I first experienced Fibromyalgia. I had a confrontation with someone at Bible Study and I didn’t feel like I had a voice in the situation. I was angry and became depressed. Within the week, I had insomnia and pain up my spine and over my shoulders so bad that no one could touch me. It was not only hard to experience those physical pains, but one of my main Love Languages is touch which left me feeling lonely.

 

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I worked with a friend of mine to find the best essential oils for me to help heal the inflammation. Within a month, I was able to get the pain gone.

 

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Doing the Dressing Your Truth program began to teach me that I am lovable and created beautiful in my own type. I began to be excited to be me and tell others what I had learned.

 

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In the process, I had friends that were angry with me for doing so. I began to notice a pattern in these confrontations and I would feel the pain severely again. Some of it was that I would turn to my sugar addiction and my body is already out of balance with bad bacteria causing Leaky Gut. Part of it is that I would revert right back to “Somebody doesn’t like me, I’m not good enough” thinking. I realized after the last time, that I’d had enough of taking my anger out on me.

 

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I began to go to counseling to learn to deal with my anger in a healthy way. And here I’ve been learning to set boundaries in my relationships, to be more patient with myself, and to use my voice.

 

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One of the things that my counselor has been reiterating is that emotions don’t last very long. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, it turns into suffering.

 

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I used to stop myself from crying because it wasn’t a “positive” emotion. I felt that it was incorrect to be angry or to cry. I would still be angry, I just wouldn’t express it. Pretending that the feeling wasn’t there didn’t make it go away. My anger would then last for a few days, then I would get depressed for a few days thinking that it was my fault that I was feeling angry and it was wrong. Then would find a way to move on.

 

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But this weekend, my husband and I went out to eat at a buffet. Going out to eat is hard for me because so many things can knock me back down again. I got a lot of meat and found a few veggies that were not covered in sauces. My husband sits down with carbs. I looked at his plate and said, “I miss that.” He said that a little bit would probably not hurt me, but in this healing stage, I need to stay away from it. I also know that I wouldn’t stop with a little bit because I fear I may never have it again and go overboard.

 

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And I began to cry. This time, I didn’t stop it. I cried because of grief over the loss of my favorite foods. I cried because it wasn’t fair. I cried because I caused this damage to my body. I cried because I don’t know how long it will take to heal.

 

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And after a couple minutes of crying over my food, it was over. I took a deep breath and felt great! I didn’t not mourn for the rest of the day. I did not mope about it for the next week. I wasn’t angry with myself, depressed about it, nor did I feel the Fibromyalgia pain. I’m so excited that I’m learning!!! I’m getting it!!! It’s one thing to know what is wrong with you, or have the answer of how to get better, but accomplishing that task is so rewarding!!

 

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I know that without my vitamins and supplements right now, I would still and have crashed. I know that diet changes and exercise are crucial and I don’t have it down, yet! I know that I need to be especially careful around hormone changes. I know that what works for me, may not work for everyone, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t answers for you. I know that addressing whatever caused the problem may not be the only way to heal. Because all parts of the body work together, one thing can affect all the other. By praying, hoping, being willing to seek and find answers, and paying attention to my body, I was able to see the connection for me. I am excited that I am practicing feeling my emotions, learning how to voice them, that it is okay to do so, and that I’m getting this part!!! I am healing!

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Other Related Articles:

10 Things I Learned as a Type 2 with a Type 2: Sensitive Daughter

Climbing Out of the Canyon

Faith and Encouragement

Get Over It!

I Deserve to Be Loved

I Don’t Need Your Approval

Recovering Perfectionist Here

This Amazing Journey

 

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I Have a Choice

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Recently, I’ve been becoming more aware of what I am thinking. I had already noticed a couple of months ago how my Fibromyalgia would flare up when I was angry. I began to be aware of how much throughout the day that I really am angry and how I deal with it. And just to clarify, anger is not bad. It tells me that something is wrong.

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Most of the time, I have dealt with the anger through calming down with one of my “comforts” or things that make me feel safe and then dealing with the situation in a good manner. But I become overwhelmed when something from outside my home demands attention.

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So, becoming more aware of my thoughts is helping me to understand that it isn’t that I become angry, it’s that I am overwhelmed. My personal boundary has been crossed. I am taking on too much and am overwhelmed. Then, the anger tells me that something is wrong. But is it really outside influences that I am taking on too much? Is it too much inside the house?

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I have realized how often in the day I say the word, “should.” “I should get my vitamins.” “I should take care of that.” “I should get dinner on.” “I should clean that… fix that… handle that.” “I should have done that.” The real culprit, for me being overwhelmed, is me. I am putting so many expectations on myself.

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I’ve begun to change the way I speak internally to myself. I speak out loud to contradict my thinking, “I COULD do that.” I notice a change right away in my posture. I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I am in control of what I want to accomplish. I have a choice.

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I am not to be controlled by everything around me. I don’t need to allow other things that kind of power over me. I can choose what I’d like to do everyday. I can help my children, teach them, help them to get along, speak nice to them, pray with them, or hug them. I don’t HAVE to. I can choose to when I feel it is right for me. I can choose to take care of myself in exercise, eating well, taking my vitamins, and not adding too much on myself. I don’t HAVE to, but I can choose to when I’m ready. I don’t have to do extra things outside of my home including church, grocery shopping, hanging out with friends, doctor appointments, etc. I can choose to do so when it is right for me.

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And in doing this, I am finding it easier to not just love myself better, but others around me. I have been choosing to be critical of myself and others in the past without being aware that I was doing so. I am learning to be more patient with myself and others around me by changing my thoughts. You can do this to, if you choose. You don’t HAVE to.

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For more articles like this one:

Faith and Encouragement

Get Over It!

I Deserve to Be Loved

I Don’t Need Your Approval

Metamorphosis

Setting Boundaries Under Pressure

 

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Get Over It!

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Sitting in church not too long ago, we were talking about how we could be more like Jesus. One of the ladies put her hand up and stated, “I just think we need to get over ourselves and love people. I tell my daughter that she just needs to buck up and stop taking things so personally. Cheer up and Move on! That’s what Jesus did.” This last week, I heard something similar from a gentleman, “Grow a thicker skin and a thinner heart.” I would like to address the lies and harm done in these statements.

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  1. Jesus was a man of many sorrows. (Isaiah 53) He felt pain and loved deeply at the same time. He didn’t have a “thicker skin” as to assume that pain bounced off of him or didn’t affect him. He bore his sorrow. We are also called to carry our own cross. (Matthew 16:24) Carrying our own cross is a tough thing. It’s not something we shrug off. To those of us that you might say, “Cheer up and Move On,” I might ask you to provide a little more understanding and compassion. Jesus understood our sorrows because he experienced them. We can provide empathy for those who are having a hard time and be there for them. In doing so, we give them hope, a smile, and a reason to move on: we show them Jesus.

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2. For some reason, we have it stuck in our heads that we have GOOD and BAD emotions. Anger, Frustration, Sorrow  VS. Joy, Happiness, Excitement. God made ALL of our emotions. Understand what our emotions are for and allow them to be expressed.

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Anger, Frustration, and Being Upset are all red flags to our system that something is wrong. Just like Pain in our body, we need to stop and address that pain. When we ignore it and push through it, we can cause major damage. Anyone who has had a knee or back injury understands the danger in that statement. Take a time-out, Rest, or Get away from the person who stirs up these feelings inside you. In a healthy way, express your anger or pain where you will not hurt anyone. Don’t go out and yell at the world hurting everyone in the process. Write your anger in a journal, Shout into a pillow. Talk to a friend that you trust not to gossip, but to encourage you. Think it through and realize what you’re really angry or upset aboutProcess the best way to confront the issue in a kind, loving way. If you cannot do that at that moment remember to come back to the issue soon or it will grow. And ALWAYS pray through it. It is through these issues in our lives that we can grow OR create more problems.

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I remember grieving over my first daughter who I miscarried at 16wks. So many people wanted me to hurry to get through the grief. “You’ll have another one.” “You’re still young.”  After a few months, even my own grandmother told me to “Get over it, already.” I was still grieving long after my son was born. Comments like those did not help me in my grieving process, in fact, it made me feel more alone than ever.

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We NEED to express our emotion. We need to go THROUGH the emotions similar to a grieving process if we are ever to heal. By stuffing them inside or claiming that they do not exist, we are making the emotion a bigger problem. It will be expressed one way or another. Sometimes, it comes out internally as mine did in Fybromyalgia or suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it comes out as explosions, sarcasm, or even apathy. Some revert to addictions. Not expressing these emotions that are tough to understand, causes us not to want to feel anything. How can you feel love if you do not feel sorrow? I know, for me, I can cry and laugh at the same time sometimes for the same reason. “My baby is growing up.”

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If we cannot feel, we cannot “mourn with those that mourn.” (Romans 12:15) We cannot have compassion on ANYONE. So, what’s the point of being together on this earth, if we do not care about each other? (1 John 4:7)  By NOT feeling our emotions, we cause Bitterness, Resentment, and Hatred towards others. This is not what God wants for us.

 

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3. We are all different personalities. Some of us can work through our emotions super fast, while others of us need to take our time and work through things a little longer. I know from experience that if someone pushes me to get through something faster, I will dig my heels in because I literally cannot process things when I am pushed. With these different ways of dealing with things also comes different amazing talents and gifts. We do not need to be like each other. We need to become the gifts that God created us to be and stop judging others for not being like US. Learn about different kinds of people and have understanding and appreciation for the different types. God made all of us to be different and to help each other. (1 Corinthians 12)

 

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Instead of saying, “Get Over It”  Let’s understand that we all have pain, have compassion for those that are currently experiencing it, allow ourselves and others to feel, express, and go through pain, be there for them who are going through it, and understand that there is no time limit on going through pain. We can be gifts to each other instead of robots. (expressionless mechanical actors) You cannot be both.

 

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Other Related Articles:

Gratitude

Faith and Encouragement

Letting God Take Care of Me

Recovering Perfectionist Here




Discipline vs. Punishment

I’ve read a lot of books about parenting. Some about how spanking is not a good form of punishment and others about how spanking should be used when a child is going to hurt themselves or others. I’ve come to the conclusion that it ISN’T about WHAT form of discipline you choose, but HOW it is done that makes the difference.

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There have been a few times in my parenting life that I have not been able to move a whole lot. In those instances I have used the only tool I felt was available; my VOICE! I know plenty of parents that use their powerful voice just because it gets the FASTEST reaction. But does it get the BEST reaction? In times where I have used a demanding “do what I say” power play voice, I end up with two reactions: Fear and Rebellion.

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Fear is not what I want my kids to feel towards me. I know that many parents don’t care as long as they get their kids to do what they want. In the long run, this will NOT be the case. When children do not feel loved or listened to, they WILL rebel or they will try to escape another way. It’s not to say that children won’t try ANYway, as all children will test their boundaries to see if you really mean what you say. But there is a difference between curiosity and rebellion. It takes TIME to listen to what your kids feel and in today’s world where we are a microwave culture, we expect our children to HURRY up and listen to US. It doesn’t happen that way. Kids NEED to feel that you care in order to care about others. They learn from your example.

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My best advice that I can give is to watch your temper. Use time out not as a discipline, but as a place to calm down. Yes, even a time-out for you. When a child hears the frustration and impatience in your voice, most likely, they already know that you don’t care how they feel. After time-out, follow through with discipline immediately. I follow through with something we already agreed upon as a family: “When you disrespect, you do push-ups according to your age,” “When you hit, you are spanked.” Time-out gives us ALL the chance to calm down first, so that NO discipline is done in anger.

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Use Time out is a place to calm down, not a form of discipline.

I’ll give you an example. When we first began spanking (and we avoided it with our first until he was 3yrs old), my son would turn around and try to spank my husband while he was being spanked. We were upset. Nothing else was working. My son was rebelling in his form of “punishment.” Fast forward a few years to when we had been talking about forms of discipline, my son was in time-out (sitting on his bed in his room) until he was ready to apologize and do the agreed upon discipline for lying. He waited a LONG time in time out, but after a while, came up to me and said, “I lied. I’m sorry. Can you just spank me already?” That is completely different from the first form to the last. In the first instance, my son felt justified in hitting back, because he felt it was hitting. The last example, my son knew it was the agreed upon discipline and I waited until he was ready to accept that he had done something wrong, apologize for it, and accept the consequences. He did not move on until I got the agreed upon response.

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Other forms of discipline, I like to call “natural consequences.” A natural consequence for stealing is not only the fact that it was disrespectful, but that he also needs to repay what he stole. If he stole a toy car, he needs to give it back before the discipline is done. If he broke something, he needs to come up with a plan to replace it. If he criticized his sister, he needs to say 10 things nice to her.

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The Goal of Punishment is to make them behave. They will constantly look to see if you’re watching to get away with what they want to do. It’s holding YOU accountable for what they are doing. You’re the bad guy.

The Goal of Discipline is to help them learn from their mistakes to not WANT to do it again. It’s holding them accountable for their actions. There are many ways to Discipline and we all make mistakes including us adults. If we are able to admit this with our kids, listen to them first, come up with discipline together, and follow through, we all have more natural respect for others and sincere apologies given. And while it may seem like a lot of effort on your part in the beginning, you will begin to see that you are actually using less effort by disciplining vs. punishment.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” ~Hebrews 12:11


Some of my favorite resources on Discipline have been:

Dr. Kevin Leman’s books “Have a New Kid by Friday” and “Making Children Mind without Losing Yours”

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Positive Parenting Solutions http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/