Tag Archive | Worthy

Crowned with Compassion

Today, I did not use valet parking for my trip to the doctor. That’s right. I parked my own car and walked the distance in without being supported by the wall. It felt so good. Granted, I’m tired, now, but it was so worth it.

This new progressive change is due in part to cutting out activities outside the home, so I could focus on healing, and my chiropractor’s care. 

 

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I still struggle with not feeling enough because of all that I cannot accomplish.  The hardest times for me right now are:

-Getting up after sitting a long time (movie theater/church,)

-Remembering that I still have limits (I so want to do EVERYTHING, but then am exhausted for a couple days after,)

-Standing still for 5min or more,

-Doing anything that heightens stress or nerves (the nervous system messes with a normal person’s autonomic function let alone someone with Dysautonomia.)

But, I realize that my worth is not in my accomplishments, and that I need to keep repeating that to myself.

 

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My youngest daughter  was doing really well at her chores, so I thought I would ask her to do a little more. She put away her clean clothes in her basket, but I also asked her to take care of her hanging up clothes. (She usually cannot be alone or she gets into trouble.)

 

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Her sister and brother were doing their homework in her room with earphones on. When she walked in the second time, they became irritated and yelled at her to get out. She tried to defend herself and ended up crying all the way down the stairs. She tried to tell me through sobs and I told her that I heard the whole thing.

 

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I reminded her that many times, she has not been trustworthy, so they just did not trust her. I asked her if she wanted a hug. She pouted, “yes.” I hugged her, rocked her, and told her that she was loved. I love her and God loves her even if other people are not loving.

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Then I put her hand over her heart and told her to say, “I love myself.” I asked her three times, but she refused. She then said, “I like saying I love other people.” I agreed that it was easier to love other people. I reminded her that she was worth loving, she was important, and that even if nobody else showed her love, that she could. I asked her again to say, “I love myself.” Finally, she did and I got her to laugh and say it again. I also reminded her that if people don’t treat her right, that it’s okay to walk away instead of argue and defend. But that she also needed to continue to work on making good choices, so that she could be trusted.

 

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And after I delivered this message to my sweet 5yr old, I realized that I might as well be saying that to myself.  Thank you, God, for the reminder that I am lovable because I am Your Child even though I am imperfect and don’t meet even my own expectations. 

 

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I Deserve to be Loved

I’ve always despised the attitude of entitlement. “I deserve to have everything I want simply because I’m alive.” I’ve always been taught to work hard for what you want. I’ve also been taught that it is not nice to step on people to get what you want. But you cannot make others love you.

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My mother, an amazing lady, taught me by example that service is a wonderful thing. But I also learned to put myself off… I had no idea that it was because I felt that everyone else was more worthy of love than me. I thought it was because I was showing them love by denying myself. “Give until there’s nothing left.” But God cannot use a dry well.

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I took on a lie that if others did not love me, I did not deserve it, anyway. This may have been subconscious, but it has haunted me my entire life. This lie has caused plenty of masochistic, depressive, and even suicidal behavior in my life.

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When I discovered The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I was amazed at why I didn’t feel loved, but it didn’t stop me from reverting back to that behavior. Slowly, over years, I began to feel God’s love for me and would thrive on that… but I still had bad days where I would get in relational disagreements and feel unloved… and take it out on myself. I would eventually work through it and depend on God’s love for me again. What was I missing?

Love for myself.

I didn’t think that it was okay to love myself. I mean, “if you’re good enough, others will love you; God loves you no matter what…  I’m not supposed to think of myself.” But eventually the resentment and anger would come out and affect everyone around me. I couldn’t figure out the balance until, I realized that it was okay to care about myself. I have been breaking for a few years, now, and have dropped back to the worst I’ve ever been physically because of neglect. I didn’t exercise because everyone else needed me. Now, I’m suffering such muscle-loss that I’m having a hard time walking or feeling healthy; my body is hanging on these loose ligaments and causing more damage. (See Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) At first, I was angry with myself for this…

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A wonderful friend of mine told me to put it this way: “If you were watching yourself from the outside, how would you treat yourself?”

I am my first nurse, friend, and caregiver.

So, here is my conclusion: God loves me. Taking care of myself is what God wants for me. Loving myself (as long as it’s not taken to the extreme of thinking I’m better than anyone around me) is loving God in return. I am worthy of love just as much as my children, my husband, my neighbors, my friends, etc. If others don’t love me, I can rest in God’s love for me and believe that it’s okay to take care of me for that reason. I am worthy of love and even if I don’t FEEL it from others, I can act on that knowledge.

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This has caused such an amazing change in me, that I’m happy with the way God made me. I am made to move and express myself differently than you. I am made pleasing in His sight and I don’t have the need to change myself to please others around me: I like clothes, colors, or the textures that I like because I like them. (See Dressing Your Truth) I am made to think through things a little deeper and longer than others. I can trust that God will continue to help me grow and love me regardless of all that I got done or how fast I got it done in the day. For this perfectionist, this has been an amazing leap for me.

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For more articles like this one, Check out Faith and Encouragement


Pressing On

philippians3Recently, I was in extreme pain, but trying to make it through Bible Study. I was walking slower than the elderly women in front of me wondering why the heck I’d even left the house. One of the reasons that I go, isn’t just for the study of the Bible itself, but to be surrounded by those of the same faith for us to uplift and pray for each other; fellowship. And there were wonderful people there that did pray for me understanding that I WAS in extreme pain even if they didn’t understand WHY. But I just wasn’t feeling it. I could just feel pain. I also felt alone in it. Passing the bookstore in the church, a book stood out at the moment I asked the question in my head, “Why am I even here? I just want to go home.” The book simply stated, “Pressing on when you feel like turning back.” I giggled to myself that God was being funny with me again. But God didn’t stop there. He always backs His words!

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Sitting there in pain, feeling alone, and making sure I was near the back in case I needed to ask for help, I longed to make a connection with someone. I wasn’t sure how anyone could understand what I was going through even if they did have empathy, but I knew God understood. So, I tried to get out of the study what I was “supposed to” and leave it at that. I was trying not to feel sorry for myself. A woman who was not much older than I and was also having a hard time walking, came up to me and asked me if there was a story with my zebra cane. I told her a 30 second brief of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and she told me about the pain in her back causing problems with walking, as well. A friend! It’s not that I didn’t have other friends there, but she understood the pain even if she didn’t have the same starting issue as me. On my way out the door, another friend offered to make food for my family (which isn’t easy with our allergies.) I left humbled that God loved me enough to send what I needed… and that’s not all.

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I had wanted to take my children to the library afterwards, but knew there was no way I could take their hands, books, and handle the pain involved. So, I decided that it was okay to go home and try again another day. Besides, it was snowing and a little too cold to get in and out of the van a few times with the littles. A little while later, on the other side of the highway, a woman was waving at people for help in the almost white-out flurry of snow near her small pick-up truck on the side of the road. No one would stop in the freezing cold. I knew it would take me a while to get over to her, so I prayed that if it was okay for me to do so, God would make the desire for me to help her stronger. (I do hate the precautions we must take to help people these days, and do my best to protect my family, but I trust God’s judgement.) I was almost in tears at this point and excited to turn around and see what I could do. I finally pulled up behind the vehicle, though, it looked like nobody was in it at first because it was snowing so much. A couple got out of the truck cautious of me. I knew what I was supposed to do. I invited them in the van and they asked me to take them to the next gas station. The woman had the same name as my baby girl and thanked me for getting her out of the cold. The man was also thankful but cautious and protective of them both. After I dropped them off and made sure they were okay, he left me with “God Bless You.” I returned the blessing, and was so thankful that God allowed me to help someone when I was beginning to feel helpless and needy myself.

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In Pressing On to learn His Words even if I didn’t feel like it, God gave me: people who loved, prayed for, and served me, someone who understood me, and He showed me that I am valuable when I felt incapable. God will always prove himself if we Trust Him. And even though I knew that in my head, my body was failing me, and my heart was following, He was there! He loves me. He intercedes for me. He serves me. He understands me. He wants me to know that I am valuable to Him.


For more articles like this one, Check out Faith and Encouragement