Tag Archive | parenting

10 Gems I’ve Found and Treasure in My Marriage

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I was sitting on the plane beside my husband getting ready to go on our honeymoon. I’d never been on a plane before let alone over 2,000 miles away from my family. I looked out of the window to see my Mom, Dad, and sister waving in the window. All of a sudden, I realized that I wanted my Daddy! The man who’d protected me, and made sure that I was taken care of… The man who’d taken me in for stitches, knew that I’d need health insurance with my accident-prone self, the man who could pick me up and carry me to help if needed… How was this barely out of teenage-hood husband going to take care of me if he didn’t know me! Now, mind you, we had dated off and on throughout our teenage years, but he didn’t understand me like my Daddy!

 

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The flight attendant spoke to everyone on the flight just then: “Folks, we have over-booked this flight. Would anyone be willing to get on a later flight, and receive extra flight miles compensation?” I didn’t care what that meant, but I knew I could get off right then. I started to stand, and my husband grabbed my hand, and shook his head, “no.” But… But… As we took off, I cried. I knew they were crying, too. This was my new life. The man beside me would now take care of me. He would learn how to love me the way I needed. But I prayed with all my might that I could feel God’s presence with me, and that it would be okay.

 

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As you embark on this new journey, you may very well be thinking, “We’ve got what many couples lack: True Love. All you need is Love.” But as the infatuation fades, and you are left with the hard work of building a love that lasts, I would like to prepare you with some wisdom that I have learned that I hope may help you on your new endeavor. Here are Some Gems I’ve Found in My Marriage that I Treasure…

 

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#1 Know Thyself and to Thine Own Self Be True

Runaway Bride is one of my favorite movies. I laugh so hard at how she bolts in many various, spontaneous ways. But, I also love the moral. She was trying so hard to be what each potential spouse wanted her to be, and yet, she had no idea who she was. Even in my own life, I realized that I did the same thing. I wore red, because my husband liked it on me. I went along to every big event that he wanted me to until my body crashed again and again. So, if you don’t like eggs, you don’t have to eat them because your spouse tells you to. Do what’s right for you, and respect that your spouse may like something different.

 

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#2 Make sure that Heavenly Father is FIRST in your life.

This person beside you may some days feel like a stranger to you. You may wonder how you can be so far apart and yet live together. You may not even like that person some days. But your Father in Heaven LOVES you and your spouse more than anyone ever could. He knows what each of you NEED. He knows the DESIRES of your hearts. He wants you to feel and BE LOVED because He IS love. Spend time with Him alone everyday. Talk to Him about your frustrations and express your thankfulness to Him at all times. You Never Have to Feel Alone. ❤

 

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#3 PRAY FOR your spouse.

My mother warned me that there would be times that I wouldn’t like my spouse at all. I didn’t believe her until it happened to me after being married only 3yrs. But what did God ask me to do for him? Pray for him. That ONE change for me made all the difference. I didn’t want to. I was so angry at what I felt was mistreatment, that I wanted revenge. But I prayed for him because God asked me to.

 

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#4 LOVE your spouse.

I don’t mean the passive meaning of “I love my spouse” I mean to actually DO it. Evaluate the Love Languages. Each person needs to know that they are loved in EVERY way, but there is one or two things that your spouse will crave to FEEL loved. Find out which one your spouse craves, and make sure that they are getting what they need. Find out which one you crave, and ask for it; teach your spouse how to love you better. And until they’ve got it down, keep asking God to show you that He loves you. When I craved hugs, my kids were more than willing. When I craved conversation, God gave me a couple of girl friends to fill that role. And in ANY of these love languages, do not intentionally deprive yourself or your spouse. I do not deserve… they do not deserve… it’s not about deserving love. Jesus’ Love is Unconditional, and being a follower of Him means that we are trying to be LIKE Him.

 

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#5 Try to UNDERSTAND your spouse.

My husband and I decided to go on a marriage retreat with our church group. It was super fun to hang out with married couples. The one thing that I left with, though, was how we responded differently because of a personality assessment. Since then, I have researched and wanted to understand more: from the Greek Personality Profile to The Color Code to whatever the popular trend is. BUT Nothing has helped me more than the Dressing Your Truth program. I learned how our doodling, way of processing things, voice pitch, facial features, body shape, and body movement all fit into our energy type BECAUSE it’s how God made us. I was able to see that my greatest weaknesses were also my strengths depending on how I used them NOT depending on how other’s saw me. I am not only happy with who I am, but I am so grateful for how I can see, now, that my husband complements me.

 

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#6 Be GRATEFUL.

Many spouses gripe about the things that they don’t like about their spouse, or nag their spouse to do what they want. “I don’t like the way he leaves the toothpaste lid off of the toothpaste… the toilet paper roll is the wrong way… the dirty clothes all over the floor… the house is too messy.” If you concentrate only on the things that you don’t like about your spouse, that is ALL that you will see. If you concentrate on the things that you LOVE about your spouse, you will see MORE of what you love. It is totally okay to respectfully and lovingly address things that you feel are hurtful or that you or your spouse could be better at. But it is NOT okay to be critical, to nag, or to publicly humiliate your spouse to get what you want… even if it’s a “joke.”

 

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#7 Take a Time Out BEFORE things get too Heated. 

Watching my parents argue, my mother would follow my dad and make him talk. Eventually, my dad would end up angry and he’d walk off mad. My husband would do the same thing and follow me when I walked away. Each person has the ability to gauge when they are too angry to think clearly. When you feel that trigger, take a time-out. WALK AWAY when you’re angry, and COME BACK when you’ve cooled off to talk again as many times and as long as it takes! No, it doesn’t have to be in the same night. Many people use the scripture “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” as a sermon on getting over being angry fast or hurry up and solve it before you go to bed. Some things are not that easily solvable. But taking a time-out from that subject, or even a cool-down time and coming back to talk about it when you’re ready, helps to solve things as companions not as opponents.

 

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#8 Pornography is NOT a way to become closer together. 

“Well maybe if we took pictures of… or imitated this action… or had multiple partners…” Seriously, if you want to be closer to your spouse, be close to God FIRST. The closer you are to Him, the more you try to be like Jesus, the more that the Spirit reigns in your home, the closer and more Passionate you will be together.  My husband likes to say that ANY addiction that you have is trying to fill a God-shaped hole in your soul. When you fill yourself with God’s Love, God’s Word, and God’s Spirit, you won’t expect someone or something else to make you feel good. You will feel fulfilled.

 

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#9 Counseling is for those Willing to Work it Out

I can’t tell you how many jokes I’ve heard as reasoning NOT to see a counselor; “I can’t see a ‘shrink.'” “I’m not crazy, so I’m still good.” “People can just put up with my insanity if they really love me.” After the loss of our first baby, my husband and I were fighting non-stop, and he finally agreed to see a counselor with me… to prove that I was crazy and needed help… my motives weren’t any better. We had been taught through our prior experiences that “counseling was for crazy people.” Please do not fall for this misconception. We were healed through counseling… a few times for different reasons. Needless to say, my husband had changed his mind about counseling and decided to pursue his calling in life to be a counselor and help others like us. If you are physically injured or in pain, you’d see a doctor. You don’t only have one physical pain in your life. If you need help working through some things mentally, see a counselor, so that it DOESN’T get out of hand, and be life-threatening, or marriage-threatening.

 

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#10 Make Plans Together 

So, for this last one, I thought I would combine all of the things that others have told me they wished they had known. This includes: Time Management, Budgeting, Cleaning, Cooking, and Parenting to name a few. These are things that you can discuss together, grow together, change together, and grow some more together. What you VALUE will be what you give your time, money, and energy to. If you value your job MORE than your spouse, your time management will focus around your job. If you value your children more than your spouse, your budget and time will show them as your priorities. If you want to make your marriage work, your spouse comes second only to God. If you want to be healthy, you need that alone time with God, time to rest, and time to play, as well as, work. If you want your parenting relationships to work, you need to find ways to spend time individually with each child. Your job should support these priorities. Your friends should support these priorities. Only a strong marriage union, can hope to become a strong family union. And only two people fully dependent on God individually, can hope to have a strong marriage union.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 Things I Learned from my Type 3: Determined Daughter

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As a Type 2, I have had a hard time being around Type 3’s or Type 1/4’s because I have felt over-powered. I am VERY grateful for the Child Whisperer book in teaching me how to not take our differences personally, but to see the gift that each energy type is and how we complement each other when we respect each other. Type 3’s are very assertive, strong-willed, and determined. Type 2’s are soft, sensitive, and take their time. I have learned and am still learning more about Type 3’s through my Type 3 Daughter.  I hope that the insight I have found in our home can help you in your life as well.

 

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1. Type 3’s are Dynamic! I was lying in bed one morning as the day was beginning and all of a sudden stomping footsteps of my youngest came down the stairs loudly announcing, “I here!” Type 3’s intend to be heard. Wherever we go, my Type 3 Daughter says “hi” to strangers and if they don’t respond back, she’ll say it louder repetitively to make sure they heard her.

I was also thrown aback when my Type 3 Daughter began crazy tantrums at 12 months old. Most of my kids did not begin to try tantrums until about 18 months old. I have never been one to give a child what they want when screaming at me, but it has been a challenge to figure out what is best for everyone. We have found the best way for us to deal with it, is to have a place for her to go to scream her heart out and to come back and talk when she’s ready. It doesn’t do her any good to not be able to express her emotion, but it doesn’t help anyone else to be in the middle of it.

 

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2. Type 3’s are Physical. Type 3’s experience their world physically. They are doers. One of my favorite family pictures is of my Type 3 Daughter tackling her Type 1 older Brother with a hug. She really doesn’t know her own strength and shows her love physically. Type 3’s are also great at sports if encouraged. My Type 3 Daughter loves to be tickled, chased if I’m roaring at her, and big strong hugs. Recently, my Type 3 Daughter was playing tag and accidentally pushed her older brother instead of tagging.

When my Type 3 Daughter was a baby she loved to touch textures on different people’s clothing. As she grew, she was the one who was into EVERYTHING: toilet paper, paints, her older sister’s fingernail polish, markers, her older brother’s pets or anyone’s toys. She does not feel that anything was off-limits. Again, this is just her exploring her world physically.

 

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3. Type 3’s are Direct and expect that it return. When anyone comes over that my Type 3 Daughter hasn’t seen for a while, she expects a hug or to sit on their lap. Some have tried to ignore her request and found that she will sit on them, anyway, or keep asking. Some have tried to give her a lengthy reason of why that would not be a good idea right now. Unless the answer is a Yes or No, she doesn’t hear it. You will not hurt her feelings if you are direct. In fact, she would prefer that. That being said, don’t ask her if she wants to do something unless you mean it! She may say “Yes” and head out the door to accomplish what you said. We have found it a challenge, though, to not say “no” too much.

A Type 1 friend of mine told me a story of how a Type 3 in her life bought her clothes. For a while my Type 1 Friend was just being nice and accepted them. In doing so, the Type 3 expected payment. My Type 1 Friend felt like she had to defend herself and tell her that she didn’t like it in the first place and felt “pushed” by the Type 3 to tell her why. After the heated discussion, my Type 1 Friend said that she was just exhausted. The Type 3 then exclaimed that it had been “fun.” The Type 3 felt like she was finally getting to know the Type 1, but the Type 1 felt like she’d been in battle.

 

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4. Type 3’s are High Energy. My two high-energy children run back and forth on the hardwood floors all day. While my Type 1 is super fast, my Type 3 is super loud. She stomps when she runs. This is just the natural way that she moves. Both types are constantly moving. My Type 3 would rather run most anywhere.

I have learned in the last year to tell my Type 3 Daughter last that we are going to do something. She expects it to happen right away when I tell her. Because of my slower energy, I would get frustrated that she was ‘pushing’ me to do right away what I said I was going to do. But recently, that has been changing.

A Type 3 may have an appointment to keep and try to do as many things as possible before the appointment. Sometimes, they try to accomplish too much because they love accomplishing many things at once. So, now, when I tell her last that we are leaving, she’s trying to do many things on her way out the door.

 

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5. Type 3’s like to Accomplish Results and Enjoy a Job Done! If it doesn’t achieve fast quick results, it is not worth their time.  My mom invited her Type 3 friend to help her with a job that was overwhelming. As a Type 3, she assessed the job and decided that it was not something that she wanted to accomplish and declined. A Type 3 does not want to begin something that they do not see themselves accomplishing especially if it’s not their idea. However, when they do accomplish a job, they like to celebrate it. Usually a Type 3 is accomplishing 3-4 projects at one time.

I have given my Type 3 Daughter a few different chores. If she feels that I’m going to be too picky about it, it’s too overwhelming for her. If she feels she can get it done super fast, she does it fast. Because I like to be organized as a Type 2, I work together with her; I have put things in piles and told her where the piles go and she’s happy to work with me. And who better to celebrate success with than friends and family!

 

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6. Type 3’s are Natural-Born Leaders. If you have a group of people and a plan, the Type 3 in the group will nominate themselves as the leader and set forth to get the job done. They will not wait for someone to nominate them because they know what needs to be done and aren’t afraid to do it or to tell others how to do it. My Type 3 Daughter has no problem telling everyone what to do, how to do it, and because “Mommy said!” My Type 4 Son and my Type 3 Daughter are great at understanding each other, getting the job done, and bossing others around.

 

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7. Type 3’s are Determined and Persistent. One of the things that I love most about Type 3’s is their optimism. Because of their ability to know exactly what they want, Type 3’s make a decision quickly and attempt to accomplish what they have decided. With most of my children, I could tell when they were going to do something they weren’t supposed to. My Type 3 Daughter never had the expression of “When you leave this room, I’m going to…” She always decided quickly and attempted to get what she wanted also very quickly. (Toilet paper all over the bathroom, carving ABC’s in her bedroom door with scissors, painting her bed with fingernail polish, etc.) The only thing stopping her was whether or not she felt she could accomplish that thing. My Type 3 Daughter has been the easiest to potty-train and to learn to swim. I just encouraged her and told her that it was her choice. However, she decided against rock climbing, when she felt pushed into it, with a definite, “NO!”

 

 

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8. REDIRECT!!! Because Type 3’s are Determined High-Energy people, they are like an electronic train on a one-way track. When you try and stop them from accomplishing what they determined to do, it feels like they are hitting a wall over and over until you allow them to go. The best thing to do in this situation is to pick the electronic train up and turn it around or put it on a different track: Redirect. I have actually said, “Go do something else,” and she has been able to redirect herself.

I also realized that Time-outs, as a way to think about what she did wrong, did NOT always work. My Type 3 Daughter could NOT connect what she did with sitting still. (She just became bored and tried to figure out something to do instead of think… playing with hands, ripping up a Styrofoam cup and making a letter out of it, singing, etc.) It was incredibly frustrating and confusing for both of us using time-outs as a way to help her understand what happened. Instead of time-outs, I gave her something to do. She would think while cleaning up the walls, putting away the shoes, or picking up her toys or books. We would talk after she did a chore and she would immediately recall what was wrong and say that she’s sorry. If she did the offense again, I would then follow it with previously discussed discipline. I also DO use time-outs as a place to calm down, and when she’s ready to do as I ask, come out.

 

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9. Type 3’s are Competitive. When my Type 1 Son starts to run, he knows that he always has a partner. My Type 3 Daughter will jump right up and run with him and try to beat him. In sports, a Type 3 is usually more competitive than any other player. Type 3 is also the best Type to set a Timer to get something done to see if they beat the clock. Her favorite way to do chores is for me to count down from 60 seconds or set the timer on the clock. (as a Type 2, the beeping on the clock became a little too much for me to do consistently.)

Because of their Determined, Persistent, Dynamic High-Energy, Type 3’s are great at setting up a business. Their ability to only hear “yes or no” also makes them great salespeople. If you want someone to go into business with, a Type 3 may be your best option.

 

 

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10. Sometimes, Type 3’s just need your acknowledgement. Because of Type 3’s desire to celebrate their accomplishment’s, they also want others to do the same. It’s a big deal! On more than one occasion during the day, my Type 3 Daughter is shouting, “Yeah! I did it!”

That being said, I have also noticed what when my Type 3 Daughter gets hurt, she just wants acknowledgement. If I hear a big boom, I shout into the other room, “Are you okay?” I hear back, “I’m okay!” as she comically gets right back up with an, “All better!” If I do not acknowledge that she was hurt, she will make a scene.

 

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So, while in the past, I have probably seen the worst in my Type 3 Daughter in these things, I understand, now because of The Child Whisperer, that she has many gifts. I am still learning, especially considering I have stayed away from Type 3’s most of my life, but I am grateful that I have learned so much on how to respect my Type 3 Daughter. If you’re having trouble with a Type 3 in your relationship, Acknowledge Them, Be Direct, and Redirect! It’s amazing what understanding can do in your relationship!

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Other Related Posts:

10 Things I Learned from my Type 1: Fun-Loving Son

10 Things I Learned as a Type 2 with a Type 2: Sensitive Daughter

10 Things I Learned from my Type 4: Serious Son

Dressing Your Truth

The Child Whisperer

10 Things I Learned from my Type 4: Serious Son

 

 

I was extremely stressed. Every time I turned around there was a new emergency. This I figured, is just life as a mom. And sometimes, it’s true. Life with kids is very hard. There are dangers that our kids know nothing about that they walk into. There are dangers that our kids don’t care if they were warned about, they do it anyway. They act out, we act out, people have accidents, life with kids can be crazy. I wanted to get the stress in my life under control. Part of that, had to do with my children.

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This is what lead me to the book, “The Child Whisperer.” My type 4 oldest son and I clashed on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis. He was getting violent. We were always angry. No discipline was working and I was ready to commit him or me. After 6 months of considering this book, looking over reviews, contemplating the price, praying about whether this is something I thought would benefit me, I went for it.

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I did not read this book straight through; it’s pretty big and covers a lot of material. I already knew and loved learning about energy profiling. I also knew that we usually have a Dominant personality and a Secondary right up there with it. I went straight for the one that sounded like my son: Type 4 Serious Type. And I couldn’t stop reading it. With my normal responsibilities, it probably took me a a few days. But then I went through it again, took notes, asked my son questions about it, and started to understand. As I’ve been seeking more to understand him, our relationship has gotten much better. He has been seeking to understand his other siblings, (I have one child of each type) and learning to get along with them. He acts out less and is more confident. I am way less frustrated and less stressed. So, I wanted to express some things that I have learned about my Type 4.

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#1 Type 4’s need their own private space. Sharing a room with his complete opposite Type 1 brother, there was extreme conflict constantly. My Type 4 was constantly asking for his own room. He even opted to sleep in the unfinished basement just to have his own space. Before reading “The Child Whisperer” I had just said, “Too bad. Learn to get along with everyone.” He in turn would threaten his younger brother from entering the room at all and claim it all for himself. This was a constant daily battle. After reading the book and talking to him about it, I suggested we make a little cubby for him in a corner of their room. He agreed. In fact, even after just talking to him about it, he set forth in creating it. Now, yes, the other children were jealous and we’ve had to set forth discipline if they enter his area without permission, even make areas for them, too, but it has been a BIG stress reliever in our home.

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#2 It’s okay not to smile. A friend of mine was telling me about a party she had thrown. She said she was shocked when a young man (around 8yrs) with a serious expression on his face said, “This is the best party I have ever been to!” She told me that she wasn’t sure she believed him. I assured her that he was probably a Type 4 and to take him at his word.

My son constantly walks around with a scowl on his face. I used to get frustrated when he wouldn’t “smile” for pictures. It takes a while for Type 4s to process emotions and expecting my son to be “happy” like the other kids was actually preventing him from being able to do so. I cannot make him be different than he is and trying to do so was telling him that it’s not okay to be who God created him to be.

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#3 Say exactly what you mean and stick to it. My Type 4 would get upset at me because I said “No” to something. He would be so upset that he would leave the room. While he was calming down, I was considering how important it was to either of us and tried to come up with different plans. He would come back and I would offer other suggestions to try and make him happy. (part of my Type 1 Secondary) He would become angry that I had “changed my mind.” I have since learned to ask for time to think about a decision first, stick to that decision, and allow him to be mad about it. In doing this, he doesn’t get upset about my decisions as often in the first place, and if he does, he gets over it quicker.

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#4 Do not publicly humiliate a Type 4. In our home, we have 4 kids that I Homeschool. In Disciplining, we would talk about the issue and even follow through on discipline methods in front of all the kids. This was devastating to my Type 4 son. He felt like I was shaming him in front of the world. I have since learned to take him aside to talk about the issue at hand. This has promoted him to ask to talk to me privately about other issues. My husband, amazed one night, replied, “I hope this continues on and that he never stops talking to us.” I agree!

It is even harder, though, to teach the other children not to make a big scene about it. “Mom! He did this to me!” being shouted from the other room makes my Type 4 son feel 3cm tall. In fact, I recently heard this comment, “They just want me to look bad.” I do not want him to think that his own family is against him, and that is something that I try to work on.

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#5 Type 4’s do not enjoy surprises. Some of you who are Type 4’s may disagree with this one. If that is so, your Secondary may be a Type 1 who loves surprises and doesn’t mind change. This is not the case in my Type 4. When my son wakes up in the morning, he already has a plan of what he is going to do for the day. If I wake up and talk to him about what my plans are for the day, he may get very upset.

One Saturday morning, he said, “So, when are we going shopping?”  We go grocery shopping most Saturdays, but this particular one, we didn’t need to. After saying so, he ran off upset. While talking to him later, he said that he was angry because he had wanted to look at some superheroes and had planned it the night before in his head. He felt that he would never get to look at superheroes because we don’t usually go out shopping any day but Saturday. My husband decided to take him to a shop that day that just sold superheroes.

Type 4’s need to know in advance (at least the night before) what the plans are because their whole day is usually all planned when they wake up. I also warn my Type 4 son before any other child when we have 5 minutes before we are going to leave.

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#6  Time is very important to Type 4s. While dating my Type 4 husband, he used to feel very disrespected because I was always 10 minutes late. If I tell my son that I’ll work with him in 5 minutes, he will come looking for me in exactly 5 minutes! It’s not that he is trying to be rude, but that he feels a literal commitment. Again, back to “if you say it, mean it.”

Also, “We should do that sometime.” means today or tomorrow. My son recently talked to his grandparents about how he wanted to sleep over. After hearing, “Yes, we should do that sometime,” my son took that to mean, “Tonight.” He was very upset and said he felt “lied to” when he found out that’s not what was meant.

We have since learned to phrase it as, “We’ll check our schedules and get back to you in a few days.” If we don’t get back soon, he feels betrayed and unloved by that lack of action. Again, it is also okay to say, “No, not right now” or “I’m not sure. I’ll get back to you in a few minutes” or “tomorrow” to a Type 4 even if they get mad about it. They get over a “no” a lot faster than “sometime.” But get back in the time that you said.

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#7 Type 4’s have an keen eye for imperfection even in themselves. My Type 4 son can walk into a room and notice whatever has been changed or whatever is out of place within seconds. My parents recently got a new side table. Within seconds of walking in the door, my son said, “You got a new table?” This has often been an issue when he points out individual things he feels are wrong in his siblings. It will often come back to him instantly. “Well, this is wrong with you.” This can be a big ouch moment. It has helped to talk to him about the way things are said. It has helped even more to allow him to use that keen eye in other things.

My dad was building a deck in the back of his house. He asked my Type 4 son, who was 5yrs, “Where do you think the best place for stairs would be.” My dad was shocked when my son had a better idea. My Type 4 son even took the time to draw a picture of the best place to put the stairs.

Often when we have had times where my husband and I would get upset with our son and would talk to him later,  we would find he was talking very critically and unhealthy about himself. This has been the biggest reason for changing the way we talk to him. He may seem tough because he is blunt, but words hurt him deeply. He does not take being picked on lightly. And if he is not allowed an outlet for his gift of a keen eye, he will turn inward and pick on himself.

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#8 Do not take away things that are important to Type 4s. A big issue for Type 4s is being respected. Because I am a Type 2, I also have a big issue with that and we clash greatly on what that means. I felt that since my son wasn’t being respectful, I needed to take away things that were important to him to get his attention including big planned events, pets, and favorite toys. This was being disrespectful to him causing more disrespect in return. It was not worth the devastation to both parties.

This can be completely different if it is a decided consequence for everyone. For example: You are throwing your toy, so I need to put it up for a while. (See: Discipline vs. Punishment) And if all parties are in agreement that it’s not worth the consequence, it’s okay to change your mind.

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#9 Type 4s love to play with toys even though they are mature in many other areas. When my son was little, his favorite thing to play with was “Cars movie” cars. He would collect them, line them up, and eventually play pretend with them. Recently, I found him playing pretend with them and I was shocked. I thought he was “too old” for that.

My husband is also a Type 4 who collects toys of his favorite movies. Recently, I saw them playing superheroes together and I started laughing. He smiled and said, “What? It’s amazing how the right toy can make you feel young again.”

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#10 Being introverted does not mean that Type 4s don’t have friends. When my son was little, it really concerned me that he did not want to play with other children. Now, at the time, he was an only child. He also did not trust other kids. There was no way that I could get my son to go into nursery at church, join in the library singing time, or play on the playground with other kids. He would grab onto the door and fight for his life. He would cry and scream. We would sit and stare at the door together for two hours. There was no way I could get him to get along with other kids. His aunt began teaching his class when he was 4yrs and he trusted her and began to adjust.

The thing is, he is right. Little kids are unknowingly mean and he didn’t want any part of that. He simply didn’t trust them. When he was 7yrs old (and after a couple siblings had arrived), there was a family that moved into the area that we both connected with and trusted. They were Home-schooled, as well, honest, funny, and yet sensitive. My Type 4 son felt understood by this family and trusted them. He has since felt the same about another family. My Type 4 son knew exactly what he wanted in a friend and I trust his judgement on that. He can get along with many people, but he doesn’t feel the need to be close to those he doesn’t trust. And that’s okay.

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So, while in the past, I have probably seen the worst in my son in these things, I understand, now because of The Child Whisperer, that he has many gifts. I am still learning from my Type 4 son and sometimes still revert to old behaviors, but I am grateful that I have learned so much in the past 6 months on how to respect my Type 4 son. This has also helped me to understand other Type 4 people in my life where I may have felt judged by certain comments, upset when they shut me out, or confused when I tried to change to make someone feel better. So, if you’re having trouble with a Type 4 in your relationship, Be Patient, Be Honest, and Keep Trying!




Other Related Articles:

10 Things I Learned from my Type 1: Fun-Loving Son

10 Things I Learned as a Type 2 Mom with a Type 2: Sensitive Daughter

10 Things I Learned from my Type 3: Determined Daughter

Parenting

Personalities

The Child Whisperer



The Child Whisperer

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My discovery of the Dressing Your Truth program was amazing in my life! After working on that for a few months, I realized that I needed to attack the stress area of my life… with my kids. I’d already been looking for a new parenting book and had run across The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle. It seemed a bit pricey, though, so I prayed about it, searched for other answers, and was lead right back to it. I finally looked at the comments of others who had bought it. Everything seemed good about it, so I thought, “What have I got to lose?” I’m so very grateful that I did. The Child Whisperer went way more in depth than the Dressing Your Truth program! This was such a validation of how I had acted as a child and why I took things so hard! I got this book to be a better parent, but it was also healing for me. I don’t care if you have kids or not, this book is for you!

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Now, yes, I initially got this book because I was clashing with my children… especially one child in particular: my head-strong oldest. I already had done the Dressing Your Truth program and had understood what my children’s Dominant Types were…. I have one of each Type. I just didn’t know that I could parent them according to their Type of Energy/Personality.

My oldest is a Type 4; the Type of my Mother and my Husband. I was easily angered by Type 4’s because I felt controlled. I began reading The Child Whisperer book in the Type 4 chapter and took an entire month just to read, learn, and apply what I had learned. My son and I were no longer clashing every day about everything like we had done previously, and I was shocked at the results. Honestly, some of the things that I had changed, I knew my son had tried to talk to me about before, but I didn’t understand the necessity. He asked for privacy, but he had to share a room with his younger Type 1 brother. He would get upset when I pointed out what he’d done wrong in front of the whole family. I would discipline him being critical of his siblings. I learned that I could address these issues in a better way. I learned that the things that I thought were wrong about  my children can be a gift. I have been reading and applying this book with each of my children and learning to understand them, love them, encourage, and allow them to be the gifts that God designed them to be instead of trying to control them.

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When you don’t have what you NEED, you may feel that you are unloved and misunderstood. I have seen way too many people act out because of feeling this way. I have now come to the conclusion that EVERYONE NEEDS:

  1. To be LOVED- I have really enjoyed the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that helped me to understand the different ways that we all feel, express, and NEED to be loved. I used to get upset that one of my children was constantly seeking attention in a bad way. I now realize that she was seeking to be loved in her way.
  2. To be UNDERSTOOD-This book: The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle has helped me to understand myself, my children, my extended family, and many others around me. I had been so judgmental thinking that there was only one way to be. I’m so grateful to be able to understand others which makes it easier to love them.
  3. To be DISCIPLINED– I used to have the quote on my wall as a teenager, “If you don’t discipline yourself, others will discipline you.” While I enjoyed The Child Whisperer book and I need to discipline my children less, now, I really enjoyed the books by Dr. Kevin Leman on Positive Parenting. However, without understanding how the person takes things or why, it will be less effective.




Other Articles like this one:

10 Things I Learned from my Type 1: Fun-Loving Son

10 Things I Learned as a Type 2 Mom with a Type 2: Sensitive Daughter

10 Things I Learned from my Type 3: Determined Daughter

10 Things I Learned from my Type 4: Serious Son

Dressing Your Truth

Parenting

Personalities


Discipline vs. Punishment

I’ve read a lot of books about parenting. Some about how spanking is not a good form of punishment and others about how spanking should be used when a child is going to hurt themselves or others. I’ve come to the conclusion that it ISN’T about WHAT form of discipline you choose, but HOW it is done that makes the difference.

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There have been a few times in my parenting life that I have not been able to move a whole lot. In those instances I have used the only tool I felt was available; my VOICE! I know plenty of parents that use their powerful voice just because it gets the FASTEST reaction. But does it get the BEST reaction? In times where I have used a demanding “do what I say” power play voice, I end up with two reactions: Fear and Rebellion.

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Fear is not what I want my kids to feel towards me. I know that many parents don’t care as long as they get their kids to do what they want. In the long run, this will NOT be the case. When children do not feel loved or listened to, they WILL rebel or they will try to escape another way. It’s not to say that children won’t try ANYway, as all children will test their boundaries to see if you really mean what you say. But there is a difference between curiosity and rebellion. It takes TIME to listen to what your kids feel and in today’s world where we are a microwave culture, we expect our children to HURRY up and listen to US. It doesn’t happen that way. Kids NEED to feel that you care in order to care about others. They learn from your example.

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My best advice that I can give is to watch your temper. Use time out not as a discipline, but as a place to calm down. Yes, even a time-out for you. When a child hears the frustration and impatience in your voice, most likely, they already know that you don’t care how they feel. After time-out, follow through with discipline immediately. I follow through with something we already agreed upon as a family: “When you disrespect, you do push-ups according to your age,” “When you hit, you are spanked.” Time-out gives us ALL the chance to calm down first, so that NO discipline is done in anger.

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Use Time out is a place to calm down, not a form of discipline.

I’ll give you an example. When we first began spanking (and we avoided it with our first until he was 3yrs old), my son would turn around and try to spank my husband while he was being spanked. We were upset. Nothing else was working. My son was rebelling in his form of “punishment.” Fast forward a few years to when we had been talking about forms of discipline, my son was in time-out (sitting on his bed in his room) until he was ready to apologize and do the agreed upon discipline for lying. He waited a LONG time in time out, but after a while, came up to me and said, “I lied. I’m sorry. Can you just spank me already?” That is completely different from the first form to the last. In the first instance, my son felt justified in hitting back, because he felt it was hitting. The last example, my son knew it was the agreed upon discipline and I waited until he was ready to accept that he had done something wrong, apologize for it, and accept the consequences. He did not move on until I got the agreed upon response.

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Other forms of discipline, I like to call “natural consequences.” A natural consequence for stealing is not only the fact that it was disrespectful, but that he also needs to repay what he stole. If he stole a toy car, he needs to give it back before the discipline is done. If he broke something, he needs to come up with a plan to replace it. If he criticized his sister, he needs to say 10 things nice to her.

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The Goal of Punishment is to make them behave. They will constantly look to see if you’re watching to get away with what they want to do. It’s holding YOU accountable for what they are doing. You’re the bad guy.

The Goal of Discipline is to help them learn from their mistakes to not WANT to do it again. It’s holding them accountable for their actions. There are many ways to Discipline and we all make mistakes including us adults. If we are able to admit this with our kids, listen to them first, come up with discipline together, and follow through, we all have more natural respect for others and sincere apologies given. And while it may seem like a lot of effort on your part in the beginning, you will begin to see that you are actually using less effort by disciplining vs. punishment.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” ~Hebrews 12:11


Some of my favorite resources on Discipline have been:

Dr. Kevin Leman’s books “Have a New Kid by Friday” and “Making Children Mind without Losing Yours”

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Positive Parenting Solutions http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/