Tag Archive | Loved

Happy Birthday to me!!!! 

I am so excited to be alive!!! If everyone could understand what it feels like to feel dead, lifeless, immovable, unable, incapable… and then to be given life back!!! You would be so grateful for EVERYTHING that you are able to do, see, and be a part of! 

 

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The last 10 years were spent in sickness. It felt like I was dying over and over again. I’d gain my freedom, and something else would happen. 4 times stuck in a bed. 4 times fighting through issues. Trying to find out who I was when I couldn’t accomplish ANYTHING. Trying to find out what was wrong with me. Trying to figure out how to heal, so that my children wouldn’t have to go through what I have.  

 

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I learned to let people love me. It is not a weakness to ask for help. I learned that even though I couldn’t do it, God sent someone to help me; to love me. No, they weren’t perfect. But, neither am I. 

 

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I learned to love my husband, my caregiver, my friend (not my enemy.) The little spats didn’t matter. The messy house didn’t matter. Priorities went back where they belonged. 

 

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I learned to love my children instead of putting unrealistic expectations on them. I learned that we are all different and that it’s okay. Miscommunication can be worked through. Boundaries can be set. 

 

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I have learned to love myself. Those mistakes that I was so hard on myself for were learning steps. Thomas Edison tried 1,000 times before he successfully invented the light bulb. I have no idea how many times I tried before I could walk successfully the first time. We only fail when we give up. I don’t have to be perfect, but I can keep trying to be better one attempt at a time. 

 

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I learned that I didn’t need to have everything that I wanted in order to have joy. I learned to be thankful for the hardships, not a victim full of fear. There is something good in every day. There is something that I can learn in the pain. 

 

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God can use this for my good and the good of others. I have learned that I can still help others even lying in a bed. I can text encouragement, pray for others, and share what I have learned and overcome thus far even though I still have further to go. 

 

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I learned that God can work miracles even when we can’t see how. I learned to listen closely to His Spirit and to follow directions. I had never walked so close to God before. 

 

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I found the answers to heal on this journey, and I no longer have to worry about my children’s future. God wants me to use this information to help more than just my family, and I am excited to be living again!!!

 

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Happy Birthday to me!
I’m Free to be the person God created me to be!!!

 

 

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Crowned with Compassion

Today, I did not use valet parking for my trip to the doctor. That’s right. I parked my own car and walked the distance in without being supported by the wall. It felt so good. Granted, I’m tired, now, but it was so worth it.

This new progressive change is due in part to cutting out activities outside the home, so I could focus on healing, and my chiropractor’s care. 

 

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I still struggle with not feeling enough because of all that I cannot accomplish.  The hardest times for me right now are:

-Getting up after sitting a long time (movie theater/church,)

-Remembering that I still have limits (I so want to do EVERYTHING, but then am exhausted for a couple days after,)

-Standing still for 5min or more,

-Doing anything that heightens stress or nerves (the nervous system messes with a normal person’s autonomic function let alone someone with Dysautonomia.)

But, I realize that my worth is not in my accomplishments, and that I need to keep repeating that to myself.

 

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My youngest daughter  was doing really well at her chores, so I thought I would ask her to do a little more. She put away her clean clothes in her basket, but I also asked her to take care of her hanging up clothes. (She usually cannot be alone or she gets into trouble.)

 

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Her sister and brother were doing their homework in her room with earphones on. When she walked in the second time, they became irritated and yelled at her to get out. She tried to defend herself and ended up crying all the way down the stairs. She tried to tell me through sobs and I told her that I heard the whole thing.

 

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I reminded her that many times, she has not been trustworthy, so they just did not trust her. I asked her if she wanted a hug. She pouted, “yes.” I hugged her, rocked her, and told her that she was loved. I love her and God loves her even if other people are not loving.

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Then I put her hand over her heart and told her to say, “I love myself.” I asked her three times, but she refused. She then said, “I like saying I love other people.” I agreed that it was easier to love other people. I reminded her that she was worth loving, she was important, and that even if nobody else showed her love, that she could. I asked her again to say, “I love myself.” Finally, she did and I got her to laugh and say it again. I also reminded her that if people don’t treat her right, that it’s okay to walk away instead of argue and defend. But that she also needed to continue to work on making good choices, so that she could be trusted.

 

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And after I delivered this message to my sweet 5yr old, I realized that I might as well be saying that to myself.  Thank you, God, for the reminder that I am lovable because I am Your Child even though I am imperfect and don’t meet even my own expectations. 

 

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I Deserve to be Loved

I’ve always despised the attitude of entitlement. “I deserve to have everything I want simply because I’m alive.” I’ve always been taught to work hard for what you want. I’ve also been taught that it is not nice to step on people to get what you want. But you cannot make others love you.

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My mother, an amazing lady, taught me by example that service is a wonderful thing. But I also learned to put myself off… I had no idea that it was because I felt that everyone else was more worthy of love than me. I thought it was because I was showing them love by denying myself. “Give until there’s nothing left.” But God cannot use a dry well.

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I took on a lie that if others did not love me, I did not deserve it, anyway. This may have been subconscious, but it has haunted me my entire life. This lie has caused plenty of masochistic, depressive, and even suicidal behavior in my life.

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When I discovered The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I was amazed at why I didn’t feel loved, but it didn’t stop me from reverting back to that behavior. Slowly, over years, I began to feel God’s love for me and would thrive on that… but I still had bad days where I would get in relational disagreements and feel unloved… and take it out on myself. I would eventually work through it and depend on God’s love for me again. What was I missing?

Love for myself.

I didn’t think that it was okay to love myself. I mean, “if you’re good enough, others will love you; God loves you no matter what…  I’m not supposed to think of myself.” But eventually the resentment and anger would come out and affect everyone around me. I couldn’t figure out the balance until, I realized that it was okay to care about myself. I have been breaking for a few years, now, and have dropped back to the worst I’ve ever been physically because of neglect. I didn’t exercise because everyone else needed me. Now, I’m suffering such muscle-loss that I’m having a hard time walking or feeling healthy; my body is hanging on these loose ligaments and causing more damage. (See Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) At first, I was angry with myself for this…

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A wonderful friend of mine told me to put it this way: “If you were watching yourself from the outside, how would you treat yourself?”

I am my first nurse, friend, and caregiver.

So, here is my conclusion: God loves me. Taking care of myself is what God wants for me. Loving myself (as long as it’s not taken to the extreme of thinking I’m better than anyone around me) is loving God in return. I am worthy of love just as much as my children, my husband, my neighbors, my friends, etc. If others don’t love me, I can rest in God’s love for me and believe that it’s okay to take care of me for that reason. I am worthy of love and even if I don’t FEEL it from others, I can act on that knowledge.

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This has caused such an amazing change in me, that I’m happy with the way God made me. I am made to move and express myself differently than you. I am made pleasing in His sight and I don’t have the need to change myself to please others around me: I like clothes, colors, or the textures that I like because I like them. (See Dressing Your Truth) I am made to think through things a little deeper and longer than others. I can trust that God will continue to help me grow and love me regardless of all that I got done or how fast I got it done in the day. For this perfectionist, this has been an amazing leap for me.

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For more articles like this one, Check out Faith and Encouragement